Well, then, let's get some constructive criticism up and running....
[I'll warn you, though: I'm not the sort to pull punches. None of this is intended to be insulting or demeaning, but unvarnished honesty can easily be misconstrued as cruelty.]
The first thing to attract a player (or repel one) is the Title and the one or two sentences you manage to cram onto the home page. It's a tight fit, and whatever it is we really
want to say gets chopped down into what we'll
settle for instead.
To my eyes — I cannot speak for anyone else on this, but I expect there will be a few who agree — the title gives the impression that I've already
missed something. "Novaridium - Twilight's Cityscape" implies two potentials that I have since determined to be
wrong, but did not know at first glance:
- Assumption 1: This game is based on a set of published rules, for a system called "Novaridium" — and I've never heard of it. Since games based on a system generally require an understanding of the system, if not strict adherence to it, I might as well skip this one.
- Assumption 2: There was a previous game called Novaridium, either here on StoryCrafter or somewhere else, and the SC is running a sequel. It's Novaridium: The Next Generation. He's probably hoping to cast his original players, and any new players he allows in will be buried in back-story.
Nothing in the Prologue or Rules reveals either of these to be true... but those were the two things that popped to mind when I first read the title. Either of those things would be intimidating to a lot of players. If so, they won't read any further than the title.
I would suggest that the title doesn't really need the name of the city. And, if you really want it included, it should be
included, not just
attached. How about "Novaridium in Twilight"?
Also, the name of the game doesn't need to lay it all out. You could just go with "Novaridium". The mystery ("Hey, what's that?") gets people to read more.
Then we get to the short description: "In the modern world, many believe the art of magic to be dead. It wasn't dead, magic was all around, coursing through the world like blood pumping through the heart of a man."
It's wordy. Given what I said about usually needing to cut down what we want to say to what we'll accept, I'd really like to see what your original draft was. (Yes, I'm being very presumptuous. Maybe your first draft fit the allotted space with no problem.) But, space requirements aside, it's still wordy.
In the modern world, many believe the art of magic to be dead. Why 'in the modern world'? Novaridium is obviously not on Earth. If it's Earth, then it can be the past, present or future. If it's some other world, the time is always NOW. It's *their* NOW, but it's NOW. So it doesn't need to be the 21st century, either., as the Prologue says.
You're working too hard to imply that times have changed. If magic is believed to be dead, then it was once believed to be alive.
There's your reference to how times have changed. Your opening sentence should be closer to "Many believe that magic is dead." But from there, you CAN build, as long as you add things that help you get where you want to go.
You can make it more personal: "Many would tell you that magic is dead."
You can make it more about your unique setting: "Even in Novaridium, magic is believed to be dead." ("Even" lays the groundwork for the Prologue, which talks about it as the center of the universe.)
You can emphasize the role of the player (who will surely be in the fringe that knows magic to be alive), by reversing the focus of the statement:
"In Novaridium, not everyone believes that magic is dead."
And you can
STOP there. This already leaves the player with the inference that there IS magic, and that magic will be central to the game. The rest, about magic flowing through the city like blood... it's a tired cliché, and isn't needed at all.
Also... your second sentence makes your worst error of all.
You switch tenses. It's a mistake I catch myself in, from time to time. That's why we proofread before we post.
With that simple gaffe — in the all-important place where you try to grab people's attention and make them want to read more — you lose your credibility as a writer.
I'm sure I've said more than enough for now. If this hasn't mortally offended you, and you want my impressions of the Prologue and Rules... just say so. If you'd rather that I
not provide any further review of your work, feel free to say that, too.
